Are you tired of working the same boring old mainframe job, decade-in and decade-out? Tired of watching 20-somethings with degrees in Web design, rectangular glasses, and ridiculous soul patches being hired straight out of school at three times your salary? Are you sick of hearing the wonders of Linux extolled by filthy hippies who live on the scraps from Bill Gates’ garbage can? Exhausted by the thought of having to clean up after the latest outsourcing project, which spun off your multi-billion- dollar enterprise’s HR and accounting processes to a loose confederation of “programmers” from an overseas diploma mill, the Russian Mafia, and ANGELA MTUNGU, WIDOW of the FORMER MINISTER of TRANSPORTARTION [sic] of NIGERIA?
Your angst will soon be over! Simply follow the advice in this wondrous article, and we can almost guarantee you won’t need to worry about your dead-end job anymore. Linux on the mainframe is the answer to all your problems!
Disclaimer: The author and z/Journal accept no responsibility if you’re so silly as to actually do any of the things specified here. In fact, if you do, we will laugh and tell stories about you at SCIDS and SPLASH. Your name will become famous, in the sense that “Pulling a [your first name here]” will become synonymous with “unbelievably idiotic, career-ending move.” Thanks to Mark Post for suggesting this topic, and thanks to everyone on the IBMVM and LINUX-390 mailing lists for the war stories I’ve raided for the article. Also, my most heartfelt thanks go out to Wyeth Consumer Healthcare and Matthew Gloag and Son.
A Typical Conversation With Your Boss
The first thing you must realize is that the mainframe really is a magic box. You can consolidate an effectively infinite amount of workload onto it, and you can run anything on it. the answer to any of your boss’s questions should be “yes.” (this is also a good conversational tactic to use whenever you’re speaking to anyone in a position of power over you, such as your parole officer, a tsA screener, or an IRs auditor.) Here’s a short example conversation:
Boss: So, the mainframe can run Linux, huh?
Boss: Huh. I hear that my neighbor’s 12-year-old son, Billy, runs one of the 20 largest porno sites in the world from a 486 running Linux in his garage. Do you think we could replace our It infrastructure with Linux on the mainframe?
Boss: And I hear about this server consolidation stuff. that means we can replace a lot of other boxes with one mainframe, right?